You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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