i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
