Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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