I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
