when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
