He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize