if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Randomize
