I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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