My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
