Your tits are I can't wait for
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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