i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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