So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
