All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
