Can i not drive my cunt home
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
