I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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