i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she pinky promised me she was 18
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
You may now shotgun with the bride
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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