trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
