Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
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