note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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