Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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