I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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