when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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