I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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