wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Your dad touched me again.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
