I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
There's always time for handjobs
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
