Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
