Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
