i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
