The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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