Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
