Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
