took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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