God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
