whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
