you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
