as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
