I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The best revenge is premature balding
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
