I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
