god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I need a hoe opinion
go on
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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