he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Randomize