Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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