You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
