I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
