i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
