My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
