i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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