im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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