Cold hands, warm shart.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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