just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
