I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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