your thong is hanging out like whoa
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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