Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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