Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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