ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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