And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
