I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize