Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
