Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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