It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize